Fun with Lists!

I love lists. The end of the year is usually my favorite time ever just because of all the lists flying at you every day. 10 Best albums of 2010. 10 People to Unfollow on Twitter. National Geographic’s Weird Animal List. (Poor little Yoda bat.)

Love me, you must

And I like making lists even better than I like reading them. Which is why I’m bummed that I missed out on making an awesome end-of-the-year list. So I thought I’d make up for it by hitching myself to a new trend wagon: beginning of the year lists.

And this is what I’ve come up with: Lessons I Learned from Watching Like 10 Hours of TV on New Year’s Day. (The Laziest of Lists for the Laziest of Days.)Okay, here we go:

Lesson 1: Canada is awesome.

Canada does a lot of things better than us. It has lower crime rates. It has cleaner cities. It produced Ryan Reynolds. But the one thing I have always prized most from Canada is its teen drama series. Degrassi in particular. That shit is real, yo. Has any American teen drama ever dared to amputate the left nut of one of its co-stars? No. No, I don’t think so. Plus, no matter how big this “Drake” character gets, to me he will always be…

Jimmy!!!

P.S., Drake, I’ve seen the credits. I know your real name is Aubrey Graham. That’s pretty gangsta.

Lesson 2: Bitches be crazy?

We all know that Bridalplasty is horrible. Just a truly terrifying portrayal of women who seek to cut up their faces in order to look perfect for just one day. Or to get on TV, whatevs. But my boyfriend loves watching this show because he is convinced that it is subversive. That the producers know exactly what they’re trying to say by showcasing these horrible substitutes for human beings who connive and strive and work their way through ludicrous acts in order to ‘win’ the prize of mutilation.

At first, I didn’t agree with him. But then I watched an episode all of the way through, and couldn’t help but be reminded of Drop Dead Gorgeous, you know, the black comedy where women are killing each other to become beauty queens? But it’s actually hilarious?

“With one week to go before the pageant, I was finishing my outfit, rehearsing my talent, brushing up on current events, and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories. I was ready.”

 

Well, maybe Bridalplasty is something like that. Maybe. Or maybe bitches really must be crazy.

Lesson 3: Age ain’t nothing but a number, am I right, Detective Stabler?

My enjoyment of watching Law & Order SVU marathons increases proportionately with every month that I age. The same thing is true of eating fiber bars and not knowing how teenagers these days got to be so disrespectful.

Anyway, someone should make a graph or something.

Happy New Year! And happy TV watching, too!